*“The only way out is through” is often attributed to Robert Frost from his poem ‘Servant to servant’ . Photo by Two Dreamers from Pexels

Is this domestic abuse?

Anybody regardless of ethnicity, age, gender, sexuality or social background can be the victim of Domestic Abuse (DA). If you’ve experienced physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial abuse, are threatened, intimidated or stalked by a current or previous partner or close family member, this includes honour-based abuse and forced marriage (on any gender from all ethnic groups), then you’re probably a victim of DA.

 “Domestic abuse is categorised by any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality” (met.police.uk 2020).

DA can be one event or an ongoing pattern of behaviour. DA is often an abuser’s tactic to exert power fulfilling ‘their’ need to be in control. Signs of domestic abuse are very varied. According to the Cambridge police (2020), a person being abused may exhibit:

• physical injuries and have excuses for these frequent injuries

• stress, anxiety or depression

• have been absent from work or from important social occasions

• have personality changes (jumpy or nervous)

• have low self-esteem (appear worn down)

• have a lack the opportunity for independent communication to express themselves

• blame themselves (“I provoked them” DA is often excused by the victims: “it’s stress”, “they’re under so much pressure”, “it’s so out of character”, “they’re so sorry and swear it’ll never happen again”, “it’s my fault” - their actions are not your fault)

• self-medicate (alcohol or drug use)

• hard to explain lack of money

• have damage to their property

And, conversely, signs of abusive behaviour are also very varied and may include:

• exhibit controlling coercive behaviour

• use bullying tactics

• be prone to jealousy

• respond with angry outbursts against perceived disobedience

• dictate sexual interaction

• use humiliation as a tactic

• are constantly yelling and shouting

• employ the threat or use of violence

• destroy personal items

• limit contact with family, friends and work colleagues

• check up on your whereabouts (constantly)

• accusing you, the victim, of committing the abuse when it is the other way around

Domestic abuse support

If you have been or are in an on-going DA relationship this can trigger a fight/flight/freeze stress response causing anxiety, depression, and long term abuse can cause complex PTSD. It is worthy to note that the emotional repercussions from abuse in a household can affect children without their actually witnessing it.

You may feel frightened, isolated, ashamed or confused. As a priority, if you feel unsafe, in immediate danger, call the police 999. They can institute refuge if needed. While the police are predominantly called to male-on-female incidents, DA is not gender specific and safety/refuge/support is available for all including children (it should be noted that accessibility to facilities varies nationwide).

If you are a survivor/victim, or are still in a difficult, abusive relationship and would like to understand/become more aware of how, why and when this became you, then counselling could help. Please contact me for further information.

The following information may help clarify how your situation or someone you know may be experiencing or be demonstrating DA behaviours.

An abusive narcissistic disposition

Abusers often exhibit Jekyll-and-Hyde behaviour. In public they are charming, in private they are unpredictable, controlling and volatile.

Abusers often exhibit certain personality characteristics like narcissism (self-oriented grandiose behaviour, needs admiration, lacks empathy) or are antisocial (holds contempt for and violates other of people’s rights) and display borderline disorders causing aggression, mistrust and resentment and effectively using controlling coercive behaviours to resolve their problematic interpersonal relationship skills, their distorted self-image and compensate for their impulsiveness (Calvete 2008).

If you are worried this may be you, your GP can help. They might recommend self-awareness counselling.

What is controlling behaviour?

Controlling behaviours are designed to undermine, to make subservient, to enforce dependency. Tactics include isolating from support systems like family, friends and colleagues. The exploitation of resources for their own personal gain, and limiting or depriving the means for independence, rebellion and possible escape - this behaviour could also be referred to as Financial abuse. Regulating everyday behaviours like what you wear, eat or say. Including Spiritual abuse imposing or depriving access to spiritual communities and enforcing their prescribed rules and regulations.

What is coercive behaviour?

Abusers use coercive behaviour to harm, punish, or frighten; this can a one-off, or on-going events of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation.

What are physical and sexual abuse?

Physical abuse is when physical force injures or endangers that person. “The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack” (Met. 2020).

Sexual abuse is forced sex - on any gender of any age - an act under threat, of aggression or violence. The perpetrator can also be a spouse or intimate partner where there is also consensual sex.

What is emotional or psychological abuse?

Emotional abuse is often overlooked and normalised by the person being abused. It can take the form of verbal abuse like yelling, belittling by name-calling, blame and shaming. This is often achieved through isolation, intimidation, and controlling behaviour.

Honour-based abuse

Both women and men can experience violence and threats from family or community to protect their perceived ‘honour’ (family is defined as: mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister and grandparents, both directly related, in-laws and step-families).

The police take this very seriously and have specialist divisions for support.

The Met. police issue these warning signs for honour-based abuse:

• forms of communication being severed between victim and friends

• withdrawal from education or workplace

• criticism of victim for ‘Western’ adoption of clothing or make-up

• restrictions in leaving the house or chaperoning outside the home

• onset of depression or suicidal tendencies in an otherwise happy person

Forced marriage

The Met. (2020) describe forced marriage as an offence, not to be confused with an arranged marriage, where there is a choice to accept the arrangement or not. Forced marriage is when one party is threatened or bullied into making such a marriage (suicide can be used to manipulate a family member’s compliance).

If in doubt you can get help and advice from the specialist police division Forced Marriage Unit on 020 7008 0151.

Plus, there are support agencies like Karma Nirvana (victims and survivors of forced marriage and/or honour-based violence), and FORWARD (female genital mutilation, and child marriage rights).

If you are in distress and require immediate psychological support contact the Samaritans free from any phone 116 123.